Writing...

Waste Time...

2007-10-29T15:11:59Z

Essentially Livejournal has become nothing more than a place where I can whinge and vent about all the bad parts of my life when I'm feeling particularly shit. I never seem to get the urge to post when something good's happening. Here comes another one anyway.

Why did I let myself get like that? Surely I should know from past experience that when I fall head over heels I'm just setting myself up for a bigger fall. If you'd asked me before the fall I probably would have told you I thought this time would be different, and I suppose it did look that way. Things certainly started off a whole lot better than they normally would, but it still ended the same. I can never be as good as the image you'll have of the guy you've never met, it was never really a fair competition.

On top of that all my friends probably think I'm avoiding them. Missed calls, ignored texts, not getting in contact, changing/ignoring plans. It's pretty obvious how it looks that way, but there's no doubt in my mind about it. I'm not avoiding anyone, I'm just going through another lazy patch where getting out of bed in the morning is a tough enough task on its own, never mind then getting ready, finding clean clothes and making a huge trek. I sometimes wish everyone I cared about lived within a mile of me like the old days.

Life is full of possibilities...

2007-03-29T05:01:18Z

About half my old friends from high school ended up going to Oxford or Cambridge.

I don't know why this startles me, but it does.

Unspoken...

2007-01-07T18:27:56Z

Too slow (again). Damn.

My head's all over the place at the moment. There's things that need to be said to a lot of people, but I doubt I'm going to say them.

Outer banks...

2006-12-15T19:53:59Z

I'm starting to get a little tired of all these fruitless endeavors I'm constantly chasing. There's nothing specific to speak of... it's more like a combination of every plan I ever seem to have or make getting ruined at the last minute, both small things like nights out and much bigger things. It's usually not anyone's fault either, so it's not like I'm pissed off at anyone over this In fact if that was the case, it'd probably make things easier, having someone or something to channel my anger onto.

The whole thing's just really frustrating... and draining as well. I'm starting to lose motivation to do anything at all, because I end up thinking that it's not going to end up going well anyway.

So yes, blargh.

Friend of the night...

2006-11-27T04:17:27Z

Just friends. Why always just friends? Fingers crossed though, eh? Maybe...

I hardly ever update this anymore, but nothing ever happens worth mentioning though. Not to say that my life is dull, because it isn't... there's just nothing happening that's really worth writing about.

If you fail, we all fall...

2006-11-09T19:47:07Z

Well... yet again my birthday is coming round. Aside from going to Casi, which I refuse to do... I have no idea what to do for it. Any ideas?

I said I try...

2006-09-26T20:08:44Z

I know everyone's probably already sick of hearing about how "ill" I am, and you probably all think of got a bit of the "man flu" or something, and I'm just milking it. I fucking wish.

Thursday last week I started to feel a bit run down, I had a headache and a sore throat and I was aching a lot. This continued on Friday, and when I got back from my Library induction I went to bed because I had no energy. I woke up later on feeling worse than before so I rang my mum and went home that night instead of Saturday morning as per the original plan. Kicked back in front of the TV that night then went to bed. Woke up the following morning feeling slightly better, so I decided to go out to Friar's with Kieran and Ed. That was a mistake. By the end of the night I was absolutley exhausted, so I virtually crawled home and woke up the following afternoon with phlegm and snot literally POURING out of me. Since then it's been pretty much the same: severe headaches, hot and cold flushes, blocked/runny nose, sore throat, phlegm, aching all over, nausea, lack of energy, and occasional vomitting.

I'm so unbelievably pissed off about it all, I want to go out and get drunk to celebrate my loan coming through obviously, and I can't, but more importantly I'm missing out on getting to know fellow students, particularly the ones I'm living with.

As far as uni itself goes, to be honest it's a bit early to tell if I'm going to enjoy it yet. Everything seems okay so far, and one of the tutors - John Rooney - seems like a really awesome guy. At the same time though, we've already been set three modules which we're doing simultaneously, and I used to have trouble doing one unit at a time at college... so I guess we'll just have to see how that works out.

I just can't wait to get better.

Glittering blackness...

2006-07-28T03:03:03Z

I woke up about an hour ago after the first proper nightmare I've had in absolutley ages... years in fact. I was going to write about it in here but I just wrote about 2,000 words (WHAT THE FUCK!!!?) on it in my Word document diary, and I can't be arsed editing it for here so that it actually makes sense to you all. Needless to say though it was pretty freaky.

Instead of editing it, I decided to try and find another old dream I wrote about a good year ago now involving Kidley and Warrington Market I think, but I can't find it anywhere. Very frustrating. Searching through my old LJ entries though, I did find this:

"I've not written in here for a while, so I can't remember the details of most of the events that have occured since my last entry. However yesterday, Kieran, Philb, Rosie and I went to Morrisons, bought vodka, rum, party poppers and prawn crackers and had a "picnic". We went back to college 45 minutes later absolutely plastered. It was funny. My personal highlight was discovering that the soles of Rosie's shoes were made of pencil eraser."

I'm going to miss that aspect of college so, so much...

For some reason (possibly because she was the one haunting me in my nightmare) I have an overwhelming desire to speak to my ex-girlfriend again. Note here I say ex-GIRLFRIEND, so no, it's not who you might immediately be thinking of... in fact I think only Kieran, Cat and Kidley know anything about her whatsoever. So anyway, I'm going to go back to sleep now, before I end up doing something stupid like going round and knocking on her door at 4am...

I'm still in awe that I managed to write 2,000 words in just over an hour though. What's that all about?

Inside, it all feels the same...

2006-07-13T12:52:33Z

I've been a total hermit for nearly two weeks now, and although I've felt shitty not seeing my friends or even speaking to a lot of them over this time, I am feeling a lot better for it. I still don't know what caused this whole regression, all I do know is that I really needed to step back from the world for a while and just take a look at things.

The only thing that's stopping me from making a full-blown "comeback" at the moment is a complete lack of money. I'm aware that I could still go out and do things on an absolute minimum budget, but there's something about having absolutley no money that really saps my motivation. Nontheless I'm going to start making an effort again. I'm going to start looking for a job early next week.

In other news my mum has agreed to put some money towards an upgrade for my computer before I go to uni. It's not a huge budget, but I'm basically replacing EVERYTHING (motherboard, processor, memory and graphics card for those that care). It'll be nice to be able to do anything whatsoever else while I'm using an Adobe product, or run games made after 2001.

One other thing... where the fuck are my Leeds tickets!? I'm getting a bit impatient now, I need to sell the spare ones on ebay QUICKLY fi I'm going to fund my own ticket. (PLEASE don't ask me to sell you a ticket unless you're willing to pay well over the normal price for them, because as I said I need to make a profit on them to cover the cost of my own.)

Recovering...

2006-07-07T23:02:17Z

Shouldn't Boys Night Out have an apostrophe in it?

Just a thought.

Pushing...

2006-07-02T00:16:49Z

I'm going through a weird phase at the moment... I don't know what's causing it, but I know it will pass. I've never been the most social person, but for some reason I'm pushing some of the people who are closest to me away for no particular reason, and just generally being a knob. It's not deliberate, I'm just finding that at the moment I want to do my own thing and spend more time alone. All I can ask is that people bear with me for the time being, this is not a long-term thing, I can see myself being over it in a matter of days or a week or two at most.

Dribbling...

2006-06-25T13:30:36Z

Dear LiveJournal,

Last night, Philb drooled on himself.

He also spilled beer down his top and tried to rub it off in a scarily erotic manner.

Enjoying...

2006-06-17T07:48:21Z

It's 8:40am. I awoke naturally 10 minutes ago. The sun is shining. I've finished college with an overall grade of DMM for BTEC graphic design. I have a place at uni secured. I'm listening to Explosions in the Sky. I'm going to see my best friends today. The enormous gash on my hand is healing nicely.

Everything is pretty much perfect today.

Slowing...

2006-04-20T04:17:18Z

Well, if I thought I had a problem with lack of motivation and energy before, this last few days has proved it can get worse. Seriously, in terms of laziness I've hit absolute rock bottom. I've done NOTHING over the past two days, I've not even bothered speaking to my friends. It's not that I don't want to, I really do want to see everyone... I don't know, I just don't have the motivation to even leave the house. There's something about waking up at 3pm with no clean clothes, no money and the knowledge that it's going to take at least an hour to get properly ready that makes me want to slip back in bed and switch the TV on, so that's exactly what I've been doing.

It's a vicious cycle, the less I do, the less energy I have to do things with.

I'm really going to try and break this cycle tomorrow. I don't know if it'll work though... Holly's up in Warrington and I imagine everyone's going to want to go out, and I can't afford to.

I hate feeling like this.

Surprising...

2006-04-13T13:36:08Z

So... I missed 3 uni interviews, but I went to the ones at Salford and Leeds Met. The one at Salford was okayish, the one at Leeds was DIRE. Yet somehow I've managed to bag a conditional offer at Salford and an unconditional at Leeds?

Now I'm torn. Leeds is obviously a more prestigious uni, and a city I really like too however I'm not sure I like the way they work there really, it's all a bit too 'art foundation' for me. I can appreciate that sort of work, I just can't do it. Salford on the other hand is right near Manchester, which I love even more, and the work there is good. However it's an absolute shit hole.

Hmmm...

I don't know what to do with myself right now. In more ways than just that too, but the other things aren't the sort of things I'm going to go into here. As I've said before, if you need to know, you probably already do.

Slipping...

2006-02-28T23:05:44Z

Well this time I am truly fucked beyond the normal realms of fuckdom...

I'm supposed to be going to New York with college in 6 days time, I paid for this trip with a cheque from my mum which I got by convincing her I had all the money. I've managed to pay her back most of it now but I still owe over £100. My bank balance at the moment is -£5 and I have about 20p in coppers in my wallet. I need about £200 of spending money for the trip, which I have no way of getting. I can't borrow money from anyone anymore as I have no way of paying them back, and my mum has just officially stated that she's not giving me ANY money EVER again now that I owe her the best part of £1,500.

I can't get a job because the last three jobs I've had I've managed to keep for about 3 months, before leaving because I'm either too sick of having no time to myself, too overloaded with college work or too late every day because of my sleeping problems. I can't claim benefits because I still live at home and I do slightly too many hours a week at college to be considered a part-time learner. I have nothing valuable that I can sell.

On top of this I have a year and a half's worth of college work to do in that is due now and every day I don't hand it in is another step closer to me getting kicked out of college. Originally I fell behind because of laziness but recently I've realised that there's so much now I'm deliberately not even thinking about it because of how daunting it is, and at the moment I'm trying to face it all, but it's getting to the level where it'll be IMPOSSIBLE to catch up in time.

I've heard back from all four universities I applied for, but due to having no work to put in a portfolio and no money to buy one with I've missed two interviews already without even ringing in to reschedule them.

My mum is so sick of supporting me that she either wants me to start paying rent or move out. Despite explaining to her that I have no way of getting any money she's standing by it. She's going to look at the flat above the place my step-dad works tomorrow.

I mean... seriously, what the fuck am I meant to do? I've hit an absolute dead end and there's no way out of it except for quitting college altogether and getting a full-time job, and I really DON'T want to do that until I've gotten through university as this is my last chance at getting the qualifications I need for the career I want.

I'm fucked.

Creating...

2006-02-17T10:26:41Z

How fucking good are The Album Leaf!?

I just had a meeting at college with my mum, my tutor and Tracie the Gibbon. It led nowhere as usual... I made no promises to actually do any work and still they let me stay on at college. Retards.

Anticipating...

2006-02-11T15:53:51Z

I'm out again tonight, and it's going to be rad.

I've not written in here for a while, so I can't remember the details of most of the events that have occured since my last entry. However yesterday, Kieran, Philb, Rosie and I went to Morrisons, bought vodka, rum, party poppers and prawn crackers and had a "picnic". We went back to college 45 minutes later absolutely plastered it. It was funny. My personal highlight was discovering that the soles of Rosie's shoes were made of pencil eraser though.

I need a shower.

Waiting...

2006-01-29T16:26:58Z

I'm so fed up.

Taking...

2006-01-26T02:07:17Z

Convinced by Rosie, I skipped college today and headed into town at 11:00 to meet her and go with her to Manchester on the off-chance of meeting Taking Back Sunday before their gig in the Academy 2.

Foolishly I arrived early at our arranged meeting point early, only to watch Rosie turn up about 20 minutes late... predictable I know, but what can I say. After nodding in silent agreement to her claims that because she turned MTV2 on this morning and saw a Taking Back Sunday video straight away this was a sign that we would meet the band, we boarded the train and went on our merry way.

Two hours after arriving at the Academy and sitting outside in the freezing cold (and seeing several people walking past who clearly "knew something"), the fabled band did indeed arrive in their small minibus, to be greeted on their first steps on Manchester's soil by myself and Kerr. Despite having heard from a very large number of sources that lead singer Lazzara is a total and utter cock (and he did look it, climbing off the bus behind his bandmates with his wheeled travel suitcase and sunglasses), he turned out to be quite nice. I got my two albums signed by the entire band, and Lazzara actually talked the tour manager into taking our names and "trying" to get us on the guest list compared to the straight "no" we got from him asking ourselves. After a short chat, we shook their hands and let them set off on a search for toilets and headed to McDonald's to eat. I can't deny that I was a little excited at actually having met the band, admittedly I had little faith in Kerr and wasn't expecting to. Being excited (like myself) and physically shaking for the next half hour (like Kerr), are two entirely different things though.

After dining we set off for Market Street to do some window shopping, and on the way myself and Kerr had a serious man-to-man and sorted out some "beef" we'd had, and all is now well.

Upon arrival at Market Street some eventless shopping occurred. Points worth mentioning are that we bumped into Joe, Natalie and Claire Saunders (EDIT: It was actually Claire Wombwell... I knew full well who it was, I don't even know Saunders, so I don't know why I typed her name) in Primark (of all places) and discussed their conversations on the subject of poo across the course of the day, and that apparently (I wouldn't know her if she ran about in front of me draped in human flesh and clubbed me to death with a large, rusty scaffolding pole) we saw the girl from Help She Can't Swim in her day job at a bead shop in Affleck's Palace.

We made our way back to the Academy, stopping for Starbucks on the way to give my tired bones a rest, and waited. And waited. For about 3 hours. I was virtually dead by the time we did get to the ticket booth inside. Highlights before we got in were getting a load of free crap off the support band, watching Rosie make friends with and promptly fall out with a tout, and meeting a guy who looked strikingly like the fat one out of McFly and his friends, only to be conned out of a cigarette by him as he bet me that out of the entire queue there were more than 10 people not on MySpace. He then proceeded to run a survey and prove me wrong, there were in fact 13.

I was dreading going inside really, much as I wanted to get out of the cold... because I had a gut feeling that the tour manager had just taken our names to shut us up and had no intentions whatsoever of putting us on the guest list. For the second time that day I was proved wrong... by some freak miracle we were on the guest list, so Natalie Imbruglia tickets in hand we bounded upstairs to watch the show, stopping on the way only to buy myself a limited edition, signed, one of 100, tour poster, and of course the now customary "stop and look amused while Rosie greets yet more gig friends".

Not a lot happened in the actual gig - it was awesome, don't get me wrong - but pretty uneventful. I have learned though that in future I should not rely on the zoom feature of a camera, no matter how good it looks on the LCD. By simply beating the idiotic 12 year old "fans" out of the way and standing at the front I can get good quality images AND avoid having said 12 year olds' hands, hair, cameras and feet in the way of my shot. I still managed to get a few decent shots (to follow) though.

We bumped into Hannah and her friend Lauren (? - I can't be bothered going on MySpace to check if that is actually her name, I'm far too tired) at the end, then went home, picking up used tickets from the doormen on the way out even though we went in without any tickets, which I found mildly amusing.

That's about it I think. Here are some photographs:

My newly signed CD booklets...

The support band; Beat Union...

Taking Back Sunday...

View from Starbucks' window...

Kerr looking miserable on a train...

Kerr looking ignorant on a ledge near the Academy...

Rocking...

2006-01-22T17:39:29Z

So as promised, here is my account of the last few days' events.

I'll start with Wednesday... I took my guitar into college for another glorious jamming session with Andy Bates. We lifted the spirits of the concourse with our rousing renditions of "Don't Look Back Into The Sun", "Reptilia" and "The Importance of Being Idle". After college Kieran, Philb, Laura, Luke and I met up and went to the White Hart. After a little confusion we went back to Laura's where Julie had prepared yet another feast for us. After gorging for about half an hour on all manner of salad, ham, chicken and sausages we (meaning me) watched Neighbours, then headed off to Philb's. Obviously with the presence of Luke it was a very metal evening, with Kieran and Luke using all their vocal, piano and guitar abilities to bring it so hard that even Stella wanted to join in. Philb and Laura disappeared upstairs for a long portion of the night, but this was solved by some Metal Gear Solid style stealth and combat rolls on Kieran's part... after the second surprise visit to his room, Philb wisely decided that it might not be safe to continue with whatever it was he was doing up there with Laura and came back downstairs. After Luke and Laura left at 9pm there were various deep conversations about photography, graphics and other subjects that I forget. Kieran let me borrow his old camera, I went home and the night ended (for me anyway).

On Thursday after college I walked back to the leafy district of Moore with Kieran and spent some quality time in his room listening to drum & bass and trance, playing F.E.A.R. and Total Overdose, watching Family Guy, eating Pizza and bacon bagels, and exploring the sickening wonders of eBaum's World. We also headed out for a while so I could take some pictures of Kieran on Tank for him, but eventually we gave up as I couldn't quite time the pictures right, so in the end Kieran tutored me in the ways of fine photography, with results that I personally am quite proud of:

Eventually I fell asleep on Kieran's couch with Pretzel on my lap, and awoke 6 hours later to have a bit of a chat with Barbara and Todd while Kieran slept. I think I might be their new favourite.

Friday night brought Kieran, Philb, Luke, Laura and myself to Laura's with the intent to go to some guy called Eddie's party, but in the end we decided to stay in and gorge ourselves on Julie's glorious food once again. We also made peanutbrau, pennybrau and crackerbrau, ate crackers with piles of pepper on top and then when this failed to make our eyes water and burn our throats we ended up snorting the pepper. I didn't snort anywhere near as much as Philb, Kieran and Luke because frankly it seemed like a fucking stupid idea, especially based on the reactions the others had. Don't get me wrong though, it was funny. To end the night, I tried to teach everyone how to play Arsehole, gave up and ended up playing Pontoon instead.

Saturday and I had a meeting with my manager at work to discuss the fact that I hadn't turned up for work on Sunday, or even bothered to ring in. Just to set the record straight I was actually ill, and I couldn't ring in because I haven't paid my mobile phone bill so that's been cut off for the time-being, and the house phone has been locked for outgoing calls for around a year now to stop me ringing certain Leeds-based people for hours at a time. Anyway, I was informed that I had the choice of staying on and getting investigated by the head office then getting sacked when they realise how many times I've been late, or leaving of my own accord there and then with dignity. I chose the latter. At least this way I can get a decent reference and all my outstanding holiday pay.

That night I went to Casi. Not a lot happened but it was by no means a bad night. Smith and Constantinou got very drunk, very fast. Browne got even more drunk at a slightly slower pace, and ended up going home early. I heard about Phil Horsfall's excellent plan for a movie involving a demonic couch. That's about all that's really worth mentioning on here.

Apologies if I forgot anything important, but my hangover is making it hard to think. In fact I might go and rest my eyes for a bit now.

Capturing...

2006-01-21T19:34:43Z

I have a lot to discuss in here really if I'm to chronicle the last few days' events properly, but I just had a nap before getting ready to go out tonight and overslept, so I don't have time. I'll do it tomorrow, I have all the time in the world now...

I'll leave you with these. I like photgraphy... I'm not much good at it (yet?), but I enjoy it and that's what matters.

...

2006-01-17T23:18:17Z

"<3 Explosions In The Sky"

EDIT: I think I should elaborate on this simple statement a little, it hardly conveys the sheer joy I'm feeling right now...

Earlier tonight I was pissing about on the internet, searching for some new music to temporarily satisfy my insatiable appetite. I stumbled across Kieran's MySpace profile. Now normally I have this little box in my privacy settings labeled "Disable Band Songs From Automatically Starting" checked, to avoid having to listen to half of the shit I used to have forced into my ears when browsing the site, but I noticed that he had an Explosions In The Sky song on there. I've known of this band for a while now but never actually got around to listening to them, my curiousity got the better of me and I pressed play. The rest is soon to be history.

Normally my searches for music leave me just satisfied enough to stop, but tonight I can feel something different has happened, this is the most exciting, yet beautiful and mellow music I have heard in a long, long time.

I feel that some credit has to go out to The Appleseed Cast's Low Level Owl, vol. II... for without this album I feel that Explosions In The Sky would be lost on me, thankfully this band seem to have come at just the right time for me, a time when I'm starting to get bored of Low Level Owl for the time being, and am craving something more.

I would seriously recommend to everyone... put down your My Chemical Romance albums, your Fall Out Boy, your Panic! At The Disco, your Every Time I Die and your Test Icicles. Find the best stereo system in your house, and make it happy. Put a copy of The Earth is Not a Cold, Dead Place in the CD tray, and listen to some real music for a change. Even if you already listen to good music, try this band out... I guarantee you'll be amazed.

Relaxing...

2006-01-15T05:58:35Z

Overall a reasonably successful night...

Thanks go out to Kate, who I don't know but found £5 in her purse and bought me a drink, Phil Eden for giving me his bottle of Carlsberg and Riccardo's brother for giving me his bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale. As a result of these people's genourosity I spent less than a tenner overall tonight. Also thanks to everyone who helped Liz outside Casi, particularly Dr Ian, and his other half whose name I forget.

Apologies to Holly for forcing her to wear my jacket and Phil for the fact that he could have actually stayed at mine as Holly, Liz and Jess all got a taxi home from mine at 5:30am.

No thanks go out to the knobheads who decided to hit Liz on the head with... something and make her cry for about an hour and the guy who bled on my jeans even though I didn't see who it was.

Hope everyone, Philb, Emily and Lucy in particular are okay.

I can feel a headache coming on so I'm going to bed.

Bandaging...

2006-01-11T04:18:34Z

"When you're so used to rejection that it doesn't hurt anymore...

...it's time to give up."

Why do I always end up updating this thing in the early hours of the morning?

We stayed at Philb's last night, it was good. There was alcohol and Family Guy.

I had a brief scare when my phone stopped working, but I noticed it was wet on the inside so I thought it might be a good idea to try and dry it. After putting it in the airing cupboard for a few hours it seems fine. On the plus side I now know how to unlock Nokia 6230s after I was forced to unlock one my step-brother gave me in a desperate attempt to have a working phone again. Naturally as my step-brother gave it to me it was stolen though, so I couldn't make or recieve calls as the EMEI had been blocked. Not that any of this matters now as my old phone still works.

I should probably go to bed now, even though I know I'm well past the point of no return and I'm clearly not going to be awake in time for college tomorrow.